I am lost never to be found(posted SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2005)
I get up at 7:30 a.m.....do my chores and rush for job.......Leave at 5:00 come back home, browse online, talk to friends,watch TV and then sleep......at 12.
No, I am not trying to tell you my everyday schedule. What I want to say is that everyday at 8:10 a.m when I sit in my car I think what I am going to achieve today......How happy I would be achieving that by eve (The enthusiastic me) . At 4:30 p.m I cant wait to get out of my work........I think about what I`ll do when I get back home(The bored and tired me).At 9:00p.m I curse myself and say that I will definitely finish tomorrow what I was suppose to finish today ( The optimistic me) .And then a call comes ........its my mom. And while talking to her I think about how happy I was being in India with so many loved ones around........In my own land with my own people..... (The nostalgic me). Then I chat with my girlfriend (who is in india) and I miss her.....and I start imagining -how it will be when we meet, -the places we`ll go to see together....how much fun it would be....(The romantic me).........But then I think about my mom......of what not she has gone through for us and now she is alone in India and both her kids left her for a better life in US......what good is the money ? (The senti me).......... But then I say to myself oh mom is gonna come here to US soon.....and my gf will come here soon too and we`ll all live happily (The selfish me)........And then I think about settling in U.S .........my mind says oh no.....U cant raise your kids in U.S ......no way...... (The concerned me).... So I think about my plans of going back to India and settling there but ofcourse I should work and get some experience and accumalate some money here ......Oh....I have to go to job tomorrow.....I curse myself for being useless and unproductive......but I promise myself I`ll work harder tomorrow...
Ahh.......
what is the point of all this that I said ? I mean why did I write it in a blog ? Because I want you to know that this is how I live my life........This is how the clock keeps ticking and I keep myself busy with my different personalities.....the personalities will stay, but time will fly and go away......... and one day will come when I will use up all my temporary goals and then I will have nothing to look forward to......Then I will ask myself what was the significance of my life. Did I do what I was suposed to in my lifetime.......I will keep shouting this question but the answer wont come back.......bcoz I already know the answer.......I am lost.......lost in this world like many many others........dont know why I am living and what is the significance of my life.......I choose to keep myself busy with temporary short term goals just to ignore the clock which keeps ticking......I am here to let this time fly by and end myself ........because I am too coward or dumb to actually dare to find out the reason........
I feel like the tortoise who has a stick tied to his body at the end of which there is food. He tries to reach to the food but as the food itself is tied to him it moves the same amount. And hence the tortoise keeps walking towards the food but the food keeps moving away from him the same amount. Food here are my short term goals .........no matter how much I try to achieve them.......they never exhaust and hence my whole life is passing me.........while I am chasing that small piece of food to make myself momentarily happy.
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